Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
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Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.