Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
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To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I have a place for everything. The floor.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…