before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Yes, but it was never about money
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.