If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.