[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
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*pronounces carrot like tarot*
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.