Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
You Might Also Like
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
#Caturday
Oh my God.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”