The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom