[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
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I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
No Google it does not
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself