Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
You Might Also Like
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity