dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.