Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
What
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.