Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
The symmetry is uncanny.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.