[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
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DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
this is how life feels
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday