Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
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[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.