ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.