How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?