I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
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Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Current mood: Potato
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about