BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
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Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I think this cat is broken
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover