If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
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I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders