ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
checking out some reviews of my local library
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.