Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win