When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
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What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Your honor these allegations are
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I am laughing way too hard at this.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL