Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.