*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
The government even made aliens boring
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.