My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.