Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
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The only equipped I am is ill.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Passwords are more important than ever.
The cashier just checked me out.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman