The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.