cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
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does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
#StillHurts
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing