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*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
This forever.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM