Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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A roof is a house hat.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.