Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
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Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Every BBC series about the universe.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*