[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
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Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.