I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.