I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
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Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.