Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
You Might Also Like
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.