Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
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been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym