My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
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When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Has science gone too far?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.