Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
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Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.