My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town