Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.