Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
CRYING
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch