Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.