My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
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At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Pretty much. 🤣
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes