Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.