The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK