I should wash my van
We could use the rain
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
This is me
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.