Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
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Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.