Give a baker flours on your first date.
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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
something like this could probably happen to anyone
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON