10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
this is so top tier i cant
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Lmaoo 😂
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc