FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
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After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.